Ryan Gosling won’t eat his cereal
IT JUST WANTS TO WEAR THE HAT
“NO SON OF MINE IS GONNA WEAR PEOPLE HATS”
you’ve brought great shame on our family
Not in my damn house
all 46 excuses on my friends wall,
1. i was just really, really early for tomorrow
2. we can’t all be usain bolt
3. in this day and age, we shouldn’t need labels like “late”
4. i had pe first period do you blame me
5. i really, really didn’t want to sing
6. my brother thought it would be hilarious to drop me outside the prison gates
7. you can’t tell me how to live my life
8. #YOLO
9. my legs fell off and i had to roll all the way to the emergency clinic
10. there was a freak yachting accident
11. i am a fucking retard
12. this is just for my wall
13. do you even read these
14. “it does not matter how slow you go, so long as you do not stop”
15. i spent my entire night writing tom daley fanfiction
16. my father left my mother for an air hostess seven years ago do you expect me to get over that emotional trauma overnight
17. sarah palin and i got into a twitter war and i couldn’t leave and let her win
18. traffic jammy jammy jam
19. how can i go to school when alex turner
20. my sim was having an emotional meltdown and i needed to be there for her
21. i was sticking it to the man
22. i spent my entire night worrying if i would ever lose my virginity
23. fifty shades of late; i was walking and then i caught the eye of an attractive member of the opposite sex and we began exchanging significant looks and i knew we would one day make sweet love so i just walked alongside him and tried to catch his eye and to be continued
24. part two he was playing hard to get so we walked and walked and he had the perfect hair colour it was sort of beige brown anyway it turned out he was walking to a bus stop so obviously i had to catch the bus because true love and silently we rode out to papakura and into the sunset
25. my meth lab caught fire
26. my bed is more comfortable than your school will ever be
27. i was sad
28. it was a nice day, so i walked leisurely
29. i had beat my younger brother for saying “swag”
30. i had to travel back to the 1950’s to ensure my birth
31. 2 kool 4 scool
32. i had to stop, collaborate and listen
33. i tried
34. i’m sorry i’m late
it’s not my fault
my auntie was killed
and i joined a cult
35. a haiku about lateness:
late late late late late
late late late late late late late
late late late late late
36. my best friend was telling me how to give a satisfactory blow job i wish i was joking
37. i was fashionably late
38. i was caught in a flash mob true story omfg
39. i did not choose the late life, the late life chose me
40. do
41. you
42. even
43. read
44. these
45. i was fighting al qaeda
46. traffic
YESSSS IT’S ON MY DASHBOARD AGAIN
the post that doesn’t age
man this reminds me of the time i got detention for being late for school x number of times in one school term. and i want to preface this story by saying that i went to a LARGE K~12 school with over a hundred teachers.
they made me write an essay about why i was often so late, how i think it impacted my classmates, and how i could remedy my behaviour in the future.
so being the smarmy 14 y/o shit i was at the time, i wrote a whole two page saga about my super secret superhero identity and i wrote a whole origin story and invented an archnemesis and LOOK OKAY it wasn’t my fault if he always attacked the city when humans are at their weakest right in the morning ok?? he was a clever bastard. but i would sit him down and have a serious talk about preferred attacking times so i could save the day out of school hours.
but that’s not really the good bit of this story.the good bit is when i got called into the teacher’s lounge two whole years later after completely forgetting about it and asked if i had written this?
and of course i didn’t recognise it at first but then it dawned on me and I said “yes. two years ago?” and the teacher was like “oh.” and i was like “oh??????? why OH???? wait why do you still have this??????”
and she replied:
“well i called you in here to reprimand you for not taking school rules seriously, but i suppose i can’t very well discipline you for something done two years ago when you weren’t even one of my students. the truth is, this only just landed on my desk today.”
i assumed it had never been read.
it had been circulating the staff room for two whole years.
